3-Part Blog Series: Let It Be Me (when "Let Them" isn't working)

Part 3 of 3: Breaking Old Patterns: New Practices to Step into a Life that is Wildly Your Own. Boundaries, Forgiveness, Gratitude, oh my!

Bitterness and resentment are wake-up calls. They’re proof you’ve been living someone else’s life, not your own.

But it is possible to build a life that feels like it’s truly yours. For me, it began with refusing to abandon myself ever again.

Over-functioning, over-giving, and emotional suppression—the “Type C” way—promise love and safety, but deliver resentment, burnout, and isolation.

But there is a way back to yourself, and it is mapped not just by self-help, but by robust research in psychology, neurobiology, and positive health science.

Boundaries: The Science and Art of Reclaiming Self-Respect

Why are boundaries so hard for people-pleasers?
As Robert Sapolsky and Bessel van der Kolk describe, we’re literally wired from childhood to value others’ comfort over our own safety or dignity.

When you set a boundary, it initially feels risky, even dangerous. But neuroscience (see Dan Siegel) shows every act of agency rewires the brain’s fear circuits, creating a new baseline for self-worth.

Set Boundaries in 3 Research-Supported Steps:

1. Create:
   Take time to reflect on what you want and need (autonomy research by Deci & Ryan: self-determination theory). This is not selfishness or selflessness but psychological nourishment. One of my teachers, Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar calls this self-fulness.

2. State:
   Assert the boundary calmly and directly. Communication research indicates that clear, direct requests reduce anxiety and resentment (Gottman Institute). Less is more here - believe me, I make it very messy when I try to over communicate.

3. Maintain:
   Repetition wires new behavior. The mind learns by repeating, not by perfection (Carol Dweck, Mindset research). You will wobble. That’s okay.

Forgiveness: The Self-Physiology Reset

Forgiveness, as taught by Dr. Fred Luskin of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, isn’t letting others escape accountability. It’s releasing the physiological grip that chronic anger or bitterness has on your body.

Benefits seen in research:

• Lowered stress and blood pressure.

• Better immune function.

• Improved relationships and self-esteem.

Forgiveness is a process—and sometimes forgiveness of self is where the real work lies.

When I first saw Dr. Luskin speak at the World Happiness Summit (yes, you read that correctly), he talked about forgiveness as giving yourself the gift of remembering the story differently. I was gobsmacked. My divorce was awful AND here I was in the midst of getting a PhD in me and a self-created masters degree of sorts in positive psychology and neuroscience. Seriously. I was at a conference surrounded by 3,000 people hoping to be positive disrupters in the circles they influenced. I would never ever have been sitting there if it were not for my divorce. It was an astounding moment that inspired wave after wave of forgiveness.

Gratitude: The Science-Backed Antidote to Resentment

Dr. Robert Emmons’ 20 years of gratitude research show that a regular gratitude practice “blocks toxic emotions like resentment, envy, and regret.” Gratitude isn’t about denying pain; it’s about broadening your mental perspective so bitterness doesn’t dominate. Starting our day or ending it telling ourselves one thing we are grateful for and how it makes us feel can shift the trajectory of our mind-body and positively effect our wellbeing, relationships and performance.

Investing in Your Self—A Sustainable Model for Growth

Long-lasting healing often requires support—from therapy (processing the past) and coaching (building forward), as I discuss with all my clients. Both are parts of a modern, research-supported model for lasting transformation.

Story: Let It Be Me (What Changes When You Invest in Yourself)

One of my clients just finished her coaching with me. It was time, she is so ready to fly. She wrote a testimonial for me and this paragraph clearly depicts the result of what happens when you put down “letting them” and allow instead to “let it be me”.

“What I learned from Kathy may seem simple, but in my case, it is deeply personal and magically liberating. I learned I am worthy. My opinions, desires, ideas, and needs matter, and I am the only one responsible for holding those sacred and fighting for them. No matter who I am dealing with, I am allowed to ask for and strive for what I want and need. If they can’t get on board, I take a pass. That’s a powerful statement coming from someone who was raised to be as passive and yielding as a doormat. And it’s been life-changing to see how people respond differently – acceptingly - when I own my convictions and stand firm in my decisions.”

You are not obligated to be the person you were five minutes ago. You get to choose, now.
As Rick Hanson says: “Your mind belongs to you.” Release the offenses and emotional patterns that don’t serve you. Begin investing in yourself.

Three Next Steps:

1. Identify one boundary you need in your life. Practice “Create, State, Maintain” (see above).

2. Write one “forgiveness letter” (you don’t have to send it) to someone you resent, or to yourself.

3. Each night, write down one choice you made for yourself and one thing you’re proud of and add how it makes you feel.

Closing: Science, Soul, and the Invitation to Begin

If you’re still reading, congratulate yourself for the courage it takes to seek—and apply—science and story to your healing.

Bitterness and burnout are not your destiny, nor are they moral weakness. They are the predictable outcomes of learned survival, and you can rewire your life, one boundary, one breath, and one act of choosing YOU at a time.

If you’re interested in going deeper, consider working with a coach or therapist. Your growth is worthy of being witnessed.

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear which science (or story) in this series resonated with you—and which “Let It Be Me” move you’ll try this week.

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References and Further Reading:

• Marko-Houser, L. & Sheldon, K. on Self-Concordance

• Marc Brackett, Permission to Feel

• Gabor Maté, MD, When The Body Says No

• Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good and Stanford Forgiveness Project

• Robert Emmons, PhD on Gratitude

• Dan Siegel, The Mindful Brain

• John & Julie Gottman, The Science of Trust

• Mayo Clinic, Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness

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