Sunday Edition: The Healing Power of Asking for Help: What Being Sick Taught Me About Independence.

Recently my asthma collided with the Rhino Virus, the result was an attack on my lungs that rendered me helpless. I couldn't just push through or "I'm Fine" my way out of this one, I needed help.

Photo by Anderson Rian on Unsplash

And help is not something I can easily ask for.

I’m FINE.

A few years ago a (counselor) friend shared with me that from a psychology perspective the acronym FINE often stood for Freaked Out, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Maybe you already knew this, but for me the understanding inspired me to address my armor of fierce independence and reflect on how this superpower of mine was actually hurting my ability to connect with others.

Ouch. It still hurts when I think about this. Fine is a response I have used habitually, and in all honesty I use it when I am not fine at all.

Not sure who I am trying to convince - myself or the person asking me how I am doing.

Thanks to my friend, I can’t un-know my fine reference. I can usually catch “I’m fine.” spilling from my lips, and it sends an automatic red alert to my brain.

Warning! WARNING! NOT fine? Seek help.

The warning provides an opportunity for me to stop and check in:

Am I truly okay?, or

Could I use some guidance, support, information, or help?

Is there something I need so that I can feel safe, satisfied or connected?

It’s been a practice. There are times I can hear the warning but for some reason I still ignore its signal. Instead I stuff the internal warning, slap on my big toothy smile, and confirm “I’m fine” (sometimes sprinkled with a little huffiness 😳).

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Fine, not fine.

For as long as I can remember I have proudly worn the armor of fierce independence. It’s been as much a part of me as my blue eyes.

I’ve learned from my training with Shirzad Chamine in his Positive Intelligence coaching program that we all have what he refers to as saboteurs. (You can discover yours here.) Chamine tells us these saboteurs helped us survive mentally, physically and emotionally as children. They were the child’s way of earning safety, and security acceptance, love or growing independence. Basically, our saboteurs are our 5-year old’s operating system where we developed things like people pleasing, hyper-vigilance, avoider, stickler, restless or controller tendencies. Ways of being that to our little human selves got us the love and attention we so desperately wanted.

We want to be grateful to our saboteurs for helping us survive, but we also need to acknowledge that our 5-year-old operating system is not going to work for us adulting.

Show the 5-year old self some love!

At some point my child self decided that people pleasing and independence got her the attention and the love she craved. Or she realized she could not depend on others, so why not just do it herself. She turned independence into a fierce super power. I’ve got mad respect and deep gratitude for her scrappiness to get what she needed.

I also understand I was loved into being by some amazing humans, including my Mom and Dad who raised me the best way they knew how with the knowledge they had at the time. And, inside my little body-brain, I believed their love was conditional. Conditions look different for every child. Conditions could be: being good, doing the right thing, independent (not needy), beautiful, smart, funny, etc. This operating system means we are constantly needing to earn love. But conditional love is not love at all. Love does not require performance. You are worthy of love sans performance.

“Love does not require performance.”

Yes, I want you to read that several times. Write it on a sticky note where you will see it. It’s true and can be life changing. Conditions were designed by our child self to feel safe, loved, accepted and to avoid the fear of rejection, abandonment, etc.

I’m grateful for the mad skills of my 5-year old self. It’s time we upgrade the operating system. Which means my little one gets to rest. So I say to her, Thank you, here’s a lollipop.

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I need help.

For the love of peace! After a lifetime of people pleasing and ignoring my own needs, suddenly saying, “I need help!” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. Even in emergencies. But this one was different because I could no longer lie to myself and tell myself I was fine. My partnership with Rog was not going to allow it.

My asthma met a Rhino Virus and I could not fight it on my own.

My first cry for help came after several gentile nudges from Rog. On Wednesday, I finally asked him to take me to the Emergency Room. My breath was rattling in my chest and I could barely make it to the bathroom and back without gasping for air.

Now, at the very same time I was asking him for help, I could hear my saboteur voice telling me he has work to do, you can do this by yourself, your fine, suck it up. And, (here’s my adulting operating system kicking in), I know I am worthy of his time and he is there for me, wanting to support me. So I asked for help.

In the ER my oxygen levels were below 90 and I was administered several series of nebulizers and steroids to reduce the inflammation in my lungs. They wanted to keep me for observation so I sent Rog home for some sleep. As he left I could sense my fierce independence cape sliding onto my shoulders (yup! 5-year old operating system, aka: saboteurs).

When the nurses came in I told them I was FINE, I didn’t need anything. I’d mention I was feeling more congested after the nebulizers but they didn’t seem worried, so I didn’t push it, even though I felt no improvement and I was pretty scared. At about 2am I got up to go to the bathroom by myself and when I got back to my bed I couldn’t breathe. I spent a few minutes telling myself I was fine until my adult operating system pushed the button for the nurse to ask for help. Pretty quickly I found myself connected to a beast of a machine that was pumping oxygen and continuous albuterol into my nose and an IV filling my veins with Magnesium to help relax my muscles.

I found myself in the ICU surrounded by a team of efficient, compassionate humans that took care of my every need in order to get over “the hump” and get me breathing on my own again. I was not fine, well actually I was freaked out, insecure and emotional. Rendered helpless though I let myself feel all of it which allowed honest words and needy requests to spill forth.

During my stay Rog continued to remind me of my worthiness. Each time he walked in the room all I could do was cry from the deep sense of connection, safety and relief I felt in his presence. His hand on my head radiating gentle strength. With my adulting operating system at play I allowed myself to receive his love and support.

My sons, sister, and mother and friends wanted to visit and my saboteurs roared. I was mentally witnessing these two operating systems in deep conversation with each other (okay it might have been a heated argument). When my adulting operating system accepted a visit from my younger son on his way to go skiing, I again felt a deep sense of connection and worthiness. As I laid eyes on him and got a hug I realized it was just as important for him to see me. Something I would have robbed him of if I told him not to come instead.

“One of the most prevalent forms of cancel culture is one no one talks about, it’s us canceling ourselves before we even try.” Unknown

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What I’ve learned about independence.

1. Limited Perspective : When we try to handle everything on our own we lack diverse perspectives and ideas. Being honest with and working with others can lead to a richer understanding of challenges and potential solutions. When I finally asked the ER nurse for help she was able to ignite solutions.

2. Burnout and Stress : The pressure to manage everything independently is exhausting. I’ve often underestimated the mental and emotional toll of trying to do it all alone, and for what? We humans are not meant to go through life alone.

3. Fear of Vulnerability : For most of my life I have equated independence with strength, fearing that asking for help I will be perceived as weak. This experience rendered me vulnerable and I now see that seeking assistance actually strengthened my relationship with myself and those wanting and able to help me.

4. Growth Through Connection : I realize that by embracing a balance between independence and interdependence allows me to achieve more than I ever could alone and it offers me the ability to deepen relationships with those I love.

5. Worthiness Factor: Showing up authentically in my connections means not only I can ask for help but allow myself to receive the gifts from others, which is (I see now) also a gift to them. It’s got a worthiness energy circulating that otherwise would have just hit a brick wall.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Are you fiercely independent? Is it difficult for you to ask for help? How could your life be different if you took off the cape of independence?